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A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two  female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
     
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to  have some  fun?'"
     

Four Parrots and a Priest

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

The little girl and the builders

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the bar man, Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?"
"Yes" the old man replies
" do you want a pint?"

Quickies

Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow And asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

Think Before You Speak

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
 
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Gorgeous redhead

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

2008 Olympics quotes

A new young monk arrives at the monastery and as with all new monks he is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church  by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not  from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the headabbot to  question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be  continued in all
 of the subsequent copies.

The New Monk

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.  Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

Polish divorce

UNIVERSITY  CHALLENGE   (BBC2)
 
Jeremy Paxman:     What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and cheesemongers''s?
Contestant:              Homosexuals.
Paxman:                   No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
 
BEG,  BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
 
Jamie Theakston:   Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:             Geography isn't my strong  point.
Theakston:              There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:              Leicester.

Best of bad quiz answers

THE MAN'S POINT SYSTEM: (more appropriately named 'You Can't Win')

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here itis:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes  & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

Man's point system

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