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Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow And asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

Think Before You Speak

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the bar man, Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?"
"Yes" the old man replies
" do you want a pint?"

Quickies

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

2008 Olympics quotes

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek  Islands. He walks into  a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.
 
At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.   Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
 
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

Two Aussies on a Greek island

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

The Bathtub Test

THE MAN'S POINT SYSTEM: (more appropriately named 'You Can't Win')

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here itis:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes  & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

Man's point system

For a happy marriage:

it's important to find a woman who cooks n cleans

it's important to find a woman who makes a bit of money

it's important to find a woman who likes a good time in bed

most of all, it's important these three women never meet
 

For a happy marriage for a man

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
 
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Gorgeous redhead

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom.  Taking off down the motorway, he  floored it to 160, enjoying the wind blowing  through what little hair he had  left.

"Amazing!" he thought as  he flew down the 1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the  metal even more.  Looking in his rear view  mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights  flashing and siren blaring.

The old gent and the BMW

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