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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

Four Catholic mothers

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the bar man, Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?"
"Yes" the old man replies
" do you want a pint?"

Quickies

HER SIDE OF THE STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.

So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else. I ask him, and he says no.
But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house,I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.

Two sides of the story

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

The Bathtub Test

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

2008 Olympics quotes

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off heir habits, and paint naked.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"

Two nuns painting a room

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

Blonde mortician

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.  Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

Polish divorce

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
 
And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....

And then the fight started

For a happy marriage:

it's important to find a woman who cooks n cleans

it's important to find a woman who makes a bit of money

it's important to find a woman who likes a good time in bed

most of all, it's important these three women never meet
 

For a happy marriage for a man

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