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During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

The Bathtub Test

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

Four Catholic mothers

It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning. The reason for this odd behavior is based on Einstein's famous Relativity Theory.  It works like this: it is a well known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move.

Pubs and physics

UNIVERSITY  CHALLENGE   (BBC2)
 
Jeremy Paxman:     What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and cheesemongers''s?
Contestant:              Homosexuals.
Paxman:                   No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
 
BEG,  BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
 
Jamie Theakston:   Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:             Geography isn't my strong  point.
Theakston:              There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:              Leicester.

Best of bad quiz answers

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

A man escapes from prison

Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party.
 
 He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.
 
 As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

The Office Party

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom.  Taking off down the motorway, he  floored it to 160, enjoying the wind blowing  through what little hair he had  left.

"Amazing!" he thought as  he flew down the 1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the  metal even more.  Looking in his rear view  mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights  flashing and siren blaring.

The old gent and the BMW

HER SIDE OF THE STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.

So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else. I ask him, and he says no.
But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house,I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.

Two sides of the story

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off heir habits, and paint naked.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"

Two nuns painting a room

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.  Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

Polish divorce

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