duh

Best of bad quiz answers

UNIVERSITY  CHALLENGE   (BBC2)
 
Jeremy Paxman:     What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and cheesemongers''s?
Contestant:              Homosexuals.
Paxman:                   No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
 
BEG,  BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
 
Jamie Theakston:   Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:             Geography isn't my strong  point.
Theakston:              There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:              Leicester.

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Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow And asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

Think Before You Speak

An old farmer in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.

He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence (older and decent) and they all went to the deep end.

The Aussie Farmer

A new young monk arrives at the monastery and as with all new monks he is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church  by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not  from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the headabbot to  question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be  continued in all
 of the subsequent copies.

The New Monk

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
 
And then the fight started...

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My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....

And then the fight started

The Smiths had tried for years to have a child and not having had  any luck, decided to use a proxy father to start their family.

 On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off.  The man should be here soon".

 Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer  rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.  "Good morning madam. You don 't  know me but I've come to...."

Mrs Smith and the photographer

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

A man escapes from prison

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the bar man, Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?"
"Yes" the old man replies
" do you want a pint?"

Quickies

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

The little girl and the builders

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom.  Taking off down the motorway, he  floored it to 160, enjoying the wind blowing  through what little hair he had  left.

"Amazing!" he thought as  he flew down the 1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the  metal even more.  Looking in his rear view  mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights  flashing and siren blaring.

The old gent and the BMW

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two  female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
     
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to  have some  fun?'"
     

Four Parrots and a Priest

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