Man's point system

THE MAN'S POINT SYSTEM: (more appropriately named 'You Can't Win')

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here itis:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes  & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed.......................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.................................................0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets............-1

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings......................................+5
But return with beer ..................................-5

You check out a suspicious noise at night ..............0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing.......0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something....+5
 You pummel it with a six iron.........................+10
   It's her father.......................................-10

You leave the toilet seat up...........................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty.......0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex................................................-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...............................................-2

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party...................0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..........................-2
> Named Tiffany..........................................-4
> Tiffany is a dancer....................................-6
> Tiffany has implants...................................-8

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner..............................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ..+1
 Okay, it is a sports bar...............................-2
 And it's all-you-can-eat night.........................-3
 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team......-10

THOUGHTFULNESS

You forget her birthday completely....................-20
You forget your anniversary...........................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station..........-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey........................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...........-60

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go out with a pal .....................................-5
And the pal is happily married ........................-4
Or frighteningly single ...............................-7
And he drives a Mustang...............................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ........-15
You have a few beers...................................-9
And miss curfew by an hour............................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call........-20
You get home at 3 am..................................-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ...............................................-40
 And not wearing any pants.............................-50
 Is that a tattoo??...................................-200

HER NIGHT OUT

You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work.......................................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late..................................+10
You wait up...........................................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed............................................+20

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes......................+4
You take her to a movie you hate.......................+6
You take her to a movie you like.......................-2
It's called DeathCop 3.................................-3
Which features cyborgs having sex......................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...............................................-15

FLOWERS

You buy her flowers only when it's expected.............0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it.................................................+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself..............................................+30
 And she contracts Lyme disease........................-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly....................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.............................................+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.................-30
 You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too".............................................-800

FINANCES

You spend a lot of money on something impractical......-5
Something she can't use..............................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane...................-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday........-40

DRIVING

You lost the directions on a trip......................-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost.......-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ........-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal..........................-25
You know them.........................................-60

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?".............................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding............................-10
You reply, "Where?"...................................-35

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression.......0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes................................................+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.............................................+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep.....-20

No votes yet

It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning. The reason for this odd behavior is based on Einstein's famous Relativity Theory.  It works like this: it is a well known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move.

Pubs and physics

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

Blonde mortician

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the bar man, Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?"
"Yes" the old man replies
" do you want a pint?"

Quickies

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

The Bathtub Test

THE MAN'S POINT SYSTEM: (more appropriately named 'You Can't Win')

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here itis:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes  & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

Man's point system

For a happy marriage:

it's important to find a woman who cooks n cleans

it's important to find a woman who makes a bit of money

it's important to find a woman who likes a good time in bed

most of all, it's important these three women never meet
 

For a happy marriage for a man

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and  said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

Why you should not flirt

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
 
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Gorgeous redhead

An old farmer in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.

He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence (older and decent) and they all went to the deep end.

The Aussie Farmer

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom.  Taking off down the motorway, he  floored it to 160, enjoying the wind blowing  through what little hair he had  left.

"Amazing!" he thought as  he flew down the 1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the  metal even more.  Looking in his rear view  mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights  flashing and siren blaring.

The old gent and the BMW

HeheTags