Man's point system
THE MAN'S POINT SYSTEM: (more appropriately named 'You Can't Win')
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here itis:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed.......................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.................................................0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets............-1
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings......................................+5
But return with beer ..................................-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ..............0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing.......0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.........................+10
It's her father.......................................-10
You leave the toilet seat up...........................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty.......0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex................................................-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...............................................-2
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party...................0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..........................-2
> Named Tiffany..........................................-4
> Tiffany is a dancer....................................-6
> Tiffany has implants...................................-8
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner..............................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ..+1
Okay, it is a sports bar...............................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.........................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team......-10
THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget her birthday completely....................-20
You forget your anniversary...........................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station..........-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey........................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...........-60
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go out with a pal .....................................-5
And the pal is happily married ........................-4
Or frighteningly single ...............................-7
And he drives a Mustang...............................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ........-15
You have a few beers...................................-9
And miss curfew by an hour............................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call........-20
You get home at 3 am..................................-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ...............................................-40
And not wearing any pants.............................-50
Is that a tattoo??...................................-200
HER NIGHT OUT
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work.......................................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late..................................+10
You wait up...........................................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed............................................+20
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes......................+4
You take her to a movie you hate.......................+6
You take her to a movie you like.......................-2
It's called DeathCop 3.................................-3
Which features cyborgs having sex......................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...............................................-15
FLOWERS
You buy her flowers only when it's expected.............0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it.................................................+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself..............................................+30
And she contracts Lyme disease........................-25
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly....................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.............................................+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.................-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too".............................................-800
FINANCES
You spend a lot of money on something impractical......-5
Something she can't use..............................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane...................-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday........-40
DRIVING
You lost the directions on a trip......................-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost.......-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ........-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal..........................-25
You know them.........................................-60
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?".............................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding............................-10
You reply, "Where?"...................................-35
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression.......0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes................................................+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.............................................+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep.....-20